I'm Trying To Make It Count

I used to live in a delusional world back when I was sick from my paranoid schizophrenia. I strongly used to believe that everyone in my life (friends, family, girlfriends) were all conspiring against me with the cruel intention of ending my life. As time went on, this belief got stronger and stronger as I sank further and further into this delusional plot. For a period of about five years, I woke up everyday not giving a shit whether I made it through that day alive or not. And that is exactly how I lived my life. No conscience, no remorse, fearless of the consequences and welcoming the possibility of death with open arms (always knowing that it could happen at any minute and be a blissful release from the torture of this kind of life). Now it takes a certain type of switch to be turned on in the brain to live that way. And this usually comes from being put in a position where you have no choice but to think that way. It's just instinct. And once it is turned on, you can never be the same. Then… I faced the edge of my death and stepped over.

At this point after my suicide attempt… I actually did think I was dead. For about a year. My delusional world had gotten so bad, that I actually did believe that I was successful in killing myself, and I was dead, and in hell. Eternally suffering. Now when you think you are already dead, things like money, pain, personal relationships, food, etc have no value. This is the thing about schizophrenia… whatever you strongly believe and perceive… in fact… BECOMES YOUR REALITY. Dead and in hell was my reality. Now in the real world that everybody else lived in, I was just a few screws loose, off my rocker, whatever you wanna call it. Now here is the tricky part… When I started taking medication, the real world and the imaginary world were fighting against each other in my head and did not want to co-exist with one another. It was either alive or dead. Real or imagined. Sane or crazy. My choice.

Now I have to tell you, making that "CHOICE" and climbing my way back up to the real world was probably one of the most difficult things I ever had to do in my life. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that a huge chunk of my life that was real to me was all imagined in my head and never really happened. To this day, that chunk of time is one huge, unanswered question. But I have to tell you, the main thing that helped me come back to the real world was that tiny little seed of remorse in the back of my mind. It had always been there but was just overshadowed by my illness for a long time. Then over the years of my recovery, that tiny seed has grown into the world that I create around myself now. Compassion, understanding, empathy, forgiveness, pacifism, self- awareness, etc. Now for all I know, this new world may be imagined as well, but I will definitely tell you, it feels a whole lot better to be here now than where I was. Time changes things. A mindset, a feeling, a motivation, an idea, no matter how big or small, can completely grow and or change into who you are and the type of world you choose to live in. Schizophrenic or not, delusional or not, hallucinating or not, we create our own world and it is what we perceive it to be. I am doing my best to try and make my own world a better place. As the days go by, my time is running out. I'm trying to make it count.