I try to sleep, I cannot sleep this time, I try to dream, dream of being alive, I try to live, live this lie, of loving myself, of forgiving myself, as hard as the world sees me try.
So is it me, or does everyday seem like the day before, Is it possible to possess a key to every unlocked door, so that I may lock it up to feel assured, oh what’s the use anymore…oh what’s the use anymore…I live to die and I’m dying to live, since you and I ended time it’s all I miss, so is it me or did we fall beneath the lies, of who we wanted to be through our worldly disguise, if only I could see you one last time, I hope you lived a good life, I hope you had a good time, I live to die and I’m dying to live, since you and I ended time it’s all I miss.
Well there’s my wish, and it’s hard, and it’s hard, there’s my bliss, I play, the things I missed, and it’s hard, and it’s hard, to reminisce, day, days arise, to end my wish, and it’s hard, and it’s hard, when it lives, in my head, before I wake to this day, why can’t I stay?
I woke up feeling disarray, it seems like change is here to stay, can’t rearrange it, I can’t say that I give a fuck, cause I feel that I must, can’t rearrange it, I can’t rearrange it, create a world I call my own, cause it’s the only thing I’ve known, it gets darker as it goes, today, the ruins scatter out for miles, I’ll sit and think here for a while, just can’t explain it, just can’t explain it, I can’t say that I give a fuck, cause I feel that I must, can’t rearrange it, I can’t replay it, well I try to sleep, and dream at ease, at ease, at ease, WAKE, SLEEP, WAKE, SLEEP, WAKE, WAKE, WAKE, Please release, release, release me.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead in my home, dead on my own, an endless monotone, dead on the phone, dead carved in stone, dead is all I’ve shown, dead in my soul, all it does is grow, I try to live, I try to go on, I try to live, dead, as real as it seems, life is in my sleep, time is just a dream, I try to breathe, but dead is all I speak, life is history, dead is all I see, as dead as I can be, I try to live, I try to go on, I try to live, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.
Years I’ve lost, living this lie, so what’s the cost, to recreate time? And if she remembers me, it’s just a bad memory, deep inside regret, it’s better if she forgets, and loses me once again, the years have grown, my guilt stands still, my tears un sewn, myself to kill, and if she remembers me, it’s just a bad memory, deep inside regret, it’s better if she forgets, and loses me once again, in a bad memory.
The ways I’ve tried, to end my life, the pain inside, that made you cry, all the time, I remember… the time we shared, how much I cared, when you were scared, for me to bear, the love I could not repair, I remember… I try,to live my life, past that time, but I’m, stuck inside, the ways I try, to heal all the cries, between you and I, and live the life, I remember…
The aftermath, it’s been years and years, I wonder if she remembers, remembers at all, time grows for those who never fall, missing lives, missing faces, missing places, missing conversations, missing situations, were no dead, were not gone, cannot be read, cannot live on, because they never were, this is when I find myself again, dreaming of her.
Introspect… as this time is passing by, crashing as I die, I’m often asking, asking, why, no matter how hard I try, in the end, I seem to find, myself descend, out of mankind, in the back of my mind, watching their lives, and emotional ties, night after night, blind after sight, minutes at a time, push the limits of my mind, as I introspect, as I recollect, my retrospect’s, somehow it all connects, to living in fear, with vision so unclear, blinded by an invisible tear, coping with the evilness of a world so severe, leaving me alone out here, pacing again, facing the end, retracing my steps, relating events, that never made any sense, specific memories, of sadistic tendencies, of others giving into their fear, when there true selves were near, no wonder I’m all alone out here, pacing again, contemplating the end, as I try, to fantasize, about a life to live, but just psychoanalyze, and never compromise, the time to give, back to the thought, of the society I fought, the self image I’ve bought, and the conformity I’ve been taught, the normalcy I’ve lost, the price of everything and what life has cost, am I really me, or just a victim of imagery, with the wisdom of what I see, breaking down sanity, unleashing personality, and true reality, as I introspect, somehow it will all connect, as I recollect, my intellect, lost for years, still alone out here, screaming into a deaf ear, staring into this blind atmosphere, with vision crystal clear, as I’m pacing to vent, split into 50 percent, alone making amends, with imaginary friends, engraving my skin, reaching emotions deep within, bleeding out this melancholy feeling, gives my mind some healing, from falsified believing, emotional deceiving, killing my mental projection, of my self inflicting, contradicting, insecure reflection, it’s all an illusion, of precise and elaborate confusion, encased in all I see, in faces, in traces, of all she breathes, words of truth, to fulfill my needs. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her, Not a faceless lie can dream inside and out of the days we were, It’s funny how I can think so much of memories, a life, a place, a time, a face, so unclear, the product of my fear, the love I feel, all of these things, possibly not even real… Remembering simply a feeling… A simple emotion, turned into a lifelong devotion, that has shaped my entire being, Of a brain that’s wired and seeking, the evolution of my resolution, fighting my way out of this mental institution, trapped inside this lie, the confines of my own mind, Sometimes I wonder if I have been in love all this time, with a fragmentation of my own imagination… Guess I’ll never know… the future sucks me into its time frame, into its mind game, and the further away she goes.
Could I live this day trapped behind this faceless face, in sadness, you only saw my madness, and you wear this name, deep inside my shame, I have never killed myself the same, dying slowly, is how you know me, we’re always hoping, but never knowing, never knowing, so have you ever lived inside the place, you create, inside, my mind racing, manic thoughts replacing, everything that’s real, trapped in what I feel, you manipulate my fate, my mind is yours to steal, cause I’m dying slowly, it’s how you know me, we’re always hoping, but never knowing, never knowing, I just want this to end, so I will take the blame again, your lie I will defend, as you kill my health again, kill my health again…kill my health, cause I’m dying slowly, it’s how you know me, we’re always hoping, but never knowing, never know, you never know.
If I strive now, could I be just like you, if I knew how, could I corrupt like you, and as hard as I try, to believe in you, tell myself lies, could not deceive like you, and if I could touch certain sounds, would they feel just like you, if I could turn you down, would I still think of you, but it’s way too loud, building my aphasia, aphasia, aphasia, as these days go by I wonder why, it’s so hard to try and comply, as the external fades away, minus day by day, I try to reply and communicate, wait, but in this state I can contemplate, contemplate this sudden ill fate, but now it’s wise, I’ll compromise with my mind and try to use these eyes.
You kill yourself to love, and it’s never what you’re dreaming of, suicide is selfless trust, it makes us feel alive, and do what we must, so I give, I give it a try, please kill my health again, so I can live what you pretend, and begin a love based around its end, as you give me the strength to die again, so I give, I give it a try. I try…
Mental picture frame, she walks 62 steps up to the door and looks to the right 2 times, two equals positive vs. negative, black and white, up and down, right and left, angry and sad, relationships causing friction which creates the energy of her existence, 3 times in this universe the idea of perception of those two elements, actually creates 3 elements making the two opposites exactly the same as each other as a nonexistent space in time divisible by one, she cracks a smile for exactly 2.3 seconds creating yellow and grey atmospheres expanding the space between our thoughts, she reaches her hand out and grabs for mine 5 steps to the left as I look her in the eyes, her eyes are brown, brown… 5 letters, creates five different forms of direction looking into the past, present and future, successfully running program number 2, 18, 15, 23, 14, leaving the possibilities narrowed down to only 4 exact outcomes, she will speak 7 sentences with approximately 88 words as I decode this structure into a possible conclusion, 88 plus 7 equals 95 minutes to solution successfully time charted to 333 spaces leaving her date of birth blank due to her non existence in this time code, she cries at 146 beats per minute, descending down into depression, which is 10 letters divided by the color black equals 6 possible solutions 3 minus 3, broken down into 5 emotions she can possibly feel, mapping out this program from 5 minutes, to 5 hours, to 5 days, to 5 months, to 5 years, sill no results, friction 2 to 3 elements, question equals answer, the world spins around her mind, question, no solution, disappear, saying goodbye and the monotony of sadness, I try to reappear 5 months into program number 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, friction 2 to 3 elements, question equals answer, the world spins around her mind, question, no solution, disappear, reappear, mental picture frame, reflecting on the past and learning how to face the world once again, her world, 6 times over transparent her eyes can see, blue, 4 letters, 4 possible individuals possessing her thoughts, putting her face on everything, mapping out this program from 5 minutes, to 5 hours, to 5 days, to 5 months, to 5 years, still no results, friction 2 to 3 elements, question equals answer, the world spins around her mind, question, no solution, descend into failure confusion and error creating the possibility of a disappearance crossing over into a parallel universe as seen in diagram number 32681 the physical, emotional, and mental effects on the mind body, and spirit, I try to reappear 5 years into program number 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, friction 2 to 3 elements, question equals answer, the world spins around her mind, question, no solution, disappear.
I’ve lost this game of life, I’ll think it through this time, pure solitude is mine, for years and years I try, to disappear, disappear, start this over to try and live again, the days go by they live, as I try and try to forgive, I blame myself this time, it’s better for them if I, disappear, start this over to try and live again, disappear...