I Should Have Realized There Was A Problem (Pt.3)

Disclaimer- The stories in these blogs reflect the type of person I USED to be before I had started receiving treatment for my paranoid schizophrenia. I, in no way condone or approve of the type of behavior displayed in these stories I tell about my old life but rather try to simply state the idea that this is the person I used to be, and have since then learned from my mistakes and am in the process of turning my life around for the better. Part of my therapy is writing down these old stories as an attempt to take all of those negative things in my life and turn them into something positive and productive. So I want to thank you for supporting this positive cause by reading and being interested. It sincerely means a lot to me. I hope you enjoy reading the short story blogs I write about my life. -Joseph

So another thing I used to love to do in high school was go to concerts. I was a concert junkie! I really loved the music but that was not the main reason I went. If you've read parts one and two of this series of blogs, it is no secret that I was into Self-Mutilation back in those days. Like I said, any way I could escape the horror and chaos of my own mind, I was all for it. Well, besides cutting myself like I described in "I Should Have Realized There Was A Problem Parts 1 & 2," I also used to like to go to concerts with the intent of having people beat the s**t out of me. You know… the mosh pit. It was my socially acceptable way of having people mangle me, and inflicting pain upon myself. If I were to just simply try to start a fight in a public place like that, I would get arrested. Either that or it would get broken up too quick before I would experience any serious pain. And besides, most of the time during that period of my life when I would try to start a fight, majority of the time people did not want to get involved. This was because I was never the type to attack and throw the first punch (Unless I was punching or cutting myself while anticipating fighting them right in front of their face). Most of the time I would threaten, flip out a bit, and people just seemed to not want to get involved (Most likely because they probably sensed that I was more than just angry). They probably thought to themselves, "Man, this guy is a little off, he must have a few screws loose, I am just going to walk away before something really bad happens". And knowing how I was back then, I am really glad that was how it went down most of the time because I could have gotten into some serious trouble if… 1... I messed with the wrong person who was just as mentally screwed up as me, or… 2... I could have seriously hurt someone and not even realized that I was the one in the wrong until it was too late.

So anyway, before I trailed off a bit, when I was at a concert, unlike being in a fight, when I was in the mosh pit, I would never fight back. I would simply just walk to the center, try to stand as still as I could while everyone around me was punching and kicking me in the face. While all of this was going on I would just simply look straight ahead with a cold hard focused stare in my eyes… staring right at the stage that I wish I could someday be on. I would stare through it almost. Then eventually, as you could imagine I would get knocked to the ground because I was usually the smallest guy there (HaHa) At that point, usually a big football player type dude, twice my size, would pick me up off of the ground because I would be too dazed to do it myself. They would look me straight in the eye and ask me if I was OK. Every time I would reply by staring straight ahead of them…almost right through them… not say a word…. proceed to jump right back in the center of the pit …and continue to get mangled. I should have realized there was a problem.