I Should Have Realized There Was A Problem (Pt.4)

Disclaimer- The stories in these blogs reflect the type of person I USED to be before I had started receiving treatment for my paranoid schizophrenia. I, in no way condone or approve of the type of behavior displayed in these stories I tell about my old life but rather try to simply state the idea that this is the person I used to be, and have since then learned from my mistakes and am in the process of turning my life around for the better. Part of my therapy is writing down these old stories as an attempt to take all of those negative things in my life and turn them into something positive and productive. So I want to thank you for supporting this positive cause by reading and being interested. It sincerely means a lot to me. I hope you enjoy reading the short story blogs I write about my life. -Joseph

So back when I was at my sickest from my schizophrenia, around age 19, I used to live in this apartment with two roommates whom I didn't know. I was totally that creepy guy that never said a word and only came out of my room if I was leaving the apartment or going to the bathroom. I barely ever conversed with them. I kept to myself for the most part. I was very antisocial at this point in my life unless I had a good reason to speak. And usually when I did speak, the types of things would come out of my mouth were usually the product of years of built up aggression from the negative symptoms of my schizophrenia. Borderline ready for anything and on the brink of suicide, I was a time bomb waiting to go off at this point. It was about one month before my big car accident that I always refer to in most of my stories. So anyway as you can imagine, I was very on edge. And one day, my roommates were about to get a big surprise of exactly what type of dude I really was when provoked. I'm sure they'll never forget it.

It was about 4:00am in the morning and I had to be up for work in 45 minutes. Of course I didn't sleep a drop. I suddenly heard this loud scratching noise in my gravel driveway. My roommate and his three friends had been drinking and they were screeching the car back and forth in the driveway. I was extremely mad that this was keeping me awake (as if I could sleep anyway lol) So I ran outside in the middle of September in just simply a pair of shorts and punched the hood of this guy's car with both of my fists and said, "What the f**k is wrong with you!" They all paused, stopped dead in their tracks and immediately apologized up and down. They then tried to calm me down. Thinking they had diffused the situation, they all then laid down on the couches in the living room to go to sleep themselves. I walked back into my room and again, felt the horror and chaos in my mind start to scream at me. I could not silence it. I was so fired up that I had to end it right then and there! So what did I do?? I turned my stereo all the way up with the most heavy music I could find in my collection, walked into the room they were in, looked at all of them and said" Now you guys can't F***IN sleep!!!" I paced back and forth right in front of them just waiting for someone to F**k with me. As if that wasn't enough to calm down the thoughts in my head, I then walked into my room, grabbed a wire hanger and held it over the kitchen stove until it was glowing. Anticipating that one of them was going to attack me, I then stood in the middle of the living room, looked directly at all of them and started branding myself. (Still just waiting for someone to f**k with me) I was ready for anything at that point. Psyching myself up pretty much. That was the deepest cut I ever made and still have the scars on my left arm to this day. I can't even imagine what these guys must have thought at that moment. They all just sat there in complete stiffness and silence. I remember what was going through my mind and it all seemed perfectly logical to me at the time. It wasn't until years later when I look back at that morning and think to myself " Wow what the hell was wrong with me?" Talk about being on edge. I cringe when I think about these types of things that I used to do. I didn't see it back then, but I should have realized there was a problem.