2am thoughts. This is an interesting/personal story. When I was 16 years old, in the beginning stages of my mental illness, I did not know the difference between what was real and what was imaginary. This was when my hallucinations really starting becoming more prevalent in my life. I would average 2 hours of sleep a night (if I slept at all) because I was living in the constant agonizing horror that these imaginary visions were causing me.
Most nights when I was alone, these hallucinations would take on the shape of people and the voices of those people talking to me. I would hear footsteps rustling through the leaves in the woods next to my house while I would be outside on my front porch smoking cigarettes. I always felt as if I was being watched. This happened so often that I began to become numb to it.
I would pace back and forth on my front porch chain smoking cigarettes for a good 6 hours (sometimes until sunrise) while repeatedly calling and receiving calls from this female. I would be explaining to her all of these things that were happening to me. As if she was the only person that understood me. We developed a really close relationship while talking on my cordless portable phone back and forth to each other. Sometimes she or I would get upset. Our relationship had turned very volatile. One minute we were very close and had an unbreakable bond, then the next minute we were screaming at each other and hated each other’s guts. We talked on the phone every single night in this manner for about 4 years.
Year number 5 was the year I started taking antipsychotic medication and going to counseling. It wasn’t until year number 5 that I began to understand that for all that time, I was actually not talking to anyone. There was nobody on the other end of that phone. I had actually been having an imaginary relationship with an imaginary person, who, for all those years, I thought was real. In reality, I was actually talking to a hallucinated voice in my head. A female voice, who had birthed herself into an individual who I thought actually existed. This in fact, was all part of a complex and elaborate hallucination that had been growing in my mind for all those years. This was very difficult to come to grips with in the beginning of my therapy. This brings to mind one of my favorite quotes:
“The burden of schizophrenia is not knowing what’s true. Imagine if you will, that the most important events in your life, the people, the places, the moments, were not dead, were not gone, but had never been. What kind of hell would that be?”
Now over 20 years later, she still speaks in my brain and I can still hear my phone ringing this late at night. It has never disappeared. The only difference now, is that in the present day, I know it’s all not real, and I choose to try and tune it out the best I can. Because I can’t turn it off. There is no “off” button with hallucinations.
Once again, after learning how to record sound on my computer, I attempted to recreate and audio example of a typical phone call from her on one of those dark, lonely and terrifying nights on my front porch as a youngster. NOTE- listening through headphones will give you the most accurate experience.
Before I take my meds and go to sleep, I just want to thank you again for listening and taking a glimpse into my world. This is extremely therapeutic for me. Goodnight friends. I love you all. 😊