Mind Index

Live from her mistakes,
As you mistaken her alive,
She needs to survive,
In order for me to exist,
And persist,
To keep moving forward,
Roaming through,
This circle of truth,
There is no beginning or end,
It’s an unforgiving journey to mend, All of the pain,
All of the blame,
Which has been placed,
Traced,
Back to myself,

Because I never got the help, That I needed,
Completely defeated,
And untreated,

The events are forever repeated, Cannot be deleted,
From my regret,
Moments of solitude will not let, Me forget,

That I need to make this correct, This human error,
Cause and effect,
Causes me to introspect,

Into confusion and terror, Inside my head,
I need to go somewhere, Better,

Stare,
Into nowhere,
Forever,
And prepare to repair,
The scars,
That were ours,
Will I ever?
Get there?
I think never,
Because the bad memories,
We share, together,

Voices, another night we meet here again. I know I can always count on you to be there when I arrive. Voices, so set me off, make me feel alive, voices, pull all my emotions out, break them all up into pieces, put together my invincible species, voices, give me all that you got, voices, I'll give you all that I got, a lot, let's square off, I have nothing to lose, four ways I can corner you, it's your choice so choose, voices, so you say you think I won't follow through, and that you say you want to fight back two on two, I know I can always count on you not to give up, to live up, to my expectations, my negative revelations, my negative self-medication of self- mutilation, so go ahead, set me off, I'll go for broke, break it all up, because broken emotions is all I’ve got, voices, we're all trapped in this box, voices, forms the crowd of us, voices, another time we meet here again, somehow this voice sticks out of millions, my voice, for years of every second, voices, sixty frames of hatred, you better go before I build up a minute, this moment, I seem to hold it sacred, pictures I've painted black, voices, built from sadness, I'll title my portrait the infinite madness, voices, your irony feeds my laughter, your life's is a joke, and I know the punch line after, I'm now laughing out loud, lay the box out for display, just another day, in the life of my war face, so look me in the eyes and show me your voices, you ain't shit. you're just another disease, you feel it's free to breathe when you’re taking from another life in need, It’s your f**kin greed, in my head you try to plant your seed, well you better believe, that my soil does not feed, your fungus and your weeds, because I have strong roots, your confusion is understanding I take true, the day you become real, you will realize I could never be you, a delusion of one mind, I have you all defined, with one name, face to face, I see right through your game, Sane if only you could bring me there, or would you just bring me to a lifeless stare? Why don't you trade your minds and put a good one to use, maybe you'd see yourself from my point of view, voices, see me, the human anomaly, driven to intervene, I'm the multi-colored figurine, walking through the black and white re-run that is your world, black and white re-run men, women, boys, and girls, listed in the credits, neglecting my presence, because your images have to change color to own individuality, nobody has one personality, just a memory of casualties left behind, broken pieces of time and past lives, your lives are destroying your own, we're all in this together, together I am alone, as I spend my time in hiding, through mathematics and dividing, looking back I can’t help my crying, because your reality is dying, and I’m becoming alive.

 Day,
333,
Was the end of you and me, There is so much disarray, These eyes have seen,
I think I had too much caffeine, Need to remain,

Sane,
Obtain, Control,
Of the whole, Manic, Mental panic, Machine,

I’m absolutely without, A doubt,
Confidently, Consequently,

Sure,
This is too much to endure, This rage,
At the age,
Of nineteen,
This unseen,
Routine,
Of staring,
Glaring,
Into this mental, Coincidental,
Memory,
Negative energy,
Picture screen,
316,
Days,
Ways,
To shape,
Escape,
My mind,
Blind,
To all mankind,
Pacing,
Mind racing,
Idea chasing,
Image erasing,
Concept replacing,
Intently gazing,

Through these eyes,
There is a world of chaos to organize, Now I have no time for friends,
As I sit here,
With no fear,
All alone again,
Closer and closer to the immeasurable, Inevitable,
End,
On the edge,
Ready to leap,
And descend,
In to the deep,
I did not intend,
To miss all this sleep,
And for the present tense,
Of unfortunate events,
To end up this way,
For my logical thought process to decay, Focusing enough,
Opening up,
The gateway,
To a higher plane,
Of consciousness,
To a faster moving brain,
Filled with cognizance,
Anxiety and chest pain,
Highly prominent,
I have to understand what this is about, My time is running out,
I have to deeply concentrate,
Before I’m too late,
Dying in my sleep,
Peels apart all my living dreams,
It seems,
As if the world spins around my head, Megalomaniacal they said,
They said,
I was dead,

I have to find a solution,
To this irregular speeding heartbeat, This incomplete,
Resolution
This Concrete,
State of confusion,
Pushing life aside,
As both my perceptual worlds collide, Trying to visualize,
Make sense,
Of the present tense,
Chaos I see through these eyes,
It may be order in disguise,
A world full of subconscious, Conscience,
Cries,
Eventually when the meaning dies, They,
Say,
This is the day,
I need to be institutionalized.

 

Live from her mistakes,
As you mistaken her alive,
She needs to survive,
In order for me to exist,
And persist,
To keep moving forward,
Roaming through,
This circle of truth,
There is no beginning or end,
It’s an unforgiving journey to mend, All of the pain,
All of the blame,
Which has been placed,
Traced,
Back to myself,

Because I never got the help, That I needed,
Completely defeated,
And untreated,

The events are forever repeated, Cannot be deleted,
From my regret,
Moments of solitude will not let, Me forget,

That I need to make this correct, This human error,
Cause and effect,
Causes me to introspect,

Into confusion and terror, Inside my head,
I need to go somewhere, Better,

Stare,
Into nowhere,
Forever,
And prepare to repair,
The scars,
That were ours,
Will I ever?
Get there?
I think never,
Because the bad memories,
We share, together,

 

I hate to want you,   

You want to hate me,

You hate to want me,   

I want to hate you,

I completely love your hate,

Hating your love completes me,

You have to fear me   

I fear to have you,

I completely hate your love,

Loving your hate completes me

You completely love your hate   

Hating your love completes you

Drama Queen

All of you I’ve seen,

The many faces and traces of the manipulative Miss Drama Queen,

Everything is such a huge production,

Your circles of friends are filled with pessimism,

And corruption,

You fill my head with skepticism,

With your self-esteem destruction,

I strive to be everything you are not,

As you continuously stir the pot,

You plot,

And scheme,

To maintain,

Your same,

Underlying theme,

Innocence,

Know it all,

Ignorance,

Show it all,

To me,

Give me the ultimate undying pleasure your company,

So comfort me,

Point out all of the negative aspects of other people’s personalities,

In your made up realities,

Your life is one continuous argument,

Nobody wants to be part of it,

Make up,

Break up,

He said this,

She said that,

It was just one kisssssss,

And she said I was fat,

What did I missss???

OH MY GOD NOT THAT!!!!

You’re all about retaliation,

For the people that do you wrong,

All about blind infatuation,

Head strong,

To obtain,

Your portrait of desirable fame,

Marching your “morning after” walk of shame,

Oh my god I wanna save you,

When you’re not around I crave you,

Please take me into your world,

UP, DOWN, UP DOWN,

Monogamous then passed around,

Back and forth always creating friction,

You have an argumentative addiction,

To make yourself feel important,

You hate to be ignored,

You crave attention,

You hate to be bored,

You hate to go unmentioned,

So no! I don’t want to be part of your self-centered conversations,

Filled with your “oh my god he’s such a jerk you know what he said? Bla Bla Bla” imitations,

You can keep your army of hard-ons, wandering around you so aimlessly,

As you prey on their stupidity,

Pondering their demise so shamelessly,

Your false sense of confidence is feeding,

Off of the bleeding,

Of my ears and brain,

It’s all part of your jealous mind game,

None of it’s true,

You exist out of people feeling sorry for you,

It’s how you earn affection,

From the sympathy you steal,

I can see through your deception,

Because I earn affection by being real.  

They Will Never Know What I Feel

Thinking, obsessing, over the unknown,

Reliving, unforgiving, guilt from these old clothes,

Dressed to kill, the part of myself suppressed by magic pills,

Antipsychotic chemicals, balance the mindset of dead living,

I feel nothing,

Nothing,

Vision segmented in frames, snapshots of a life never lived,

Nothing,

I am dying,

Why do they conspire?

I hear everything,

 

They will never know what I feel…

 

Nothing,

Vision segmented in frames, snapshots of a life never lived,

Nothing,

 

They will never know what I feel…feel.

 

 

Racing, chasing, thoughts… thoughts of reason… the reason I demonize,

Everything I see,

Why are you after me?

Fear,

Death,

Love will contrast, but will increase the will,

To escape,

The inevitable end,

Silence is a deafening white noise of racing thoughts, 

My ears spit blood,

I see colors, vibrant flashes of orange and red light,

Vertigo earth,

I feel electromagnetic charges crawling through my skin,

I am numb,

Mind body separation,

I am dying,

I can’t breathe,

I have forgotten who I am,

Who I was,

Who I will be,

I am reminded,

I am nothing.

 

They will never know what I feel…

 

Nothing,

Vision segmented in frames, snapshots of a life never lived,

Nothing,

 

They will never know what I feel…

 

Nothing,

Vision segmented in frames, snapshots of a life never lived,

Nothing,

 

They will never know what I feel…feel.

Pacing

Pacing, pacing, pacing,

Can’t stop thinking,

Love Vs Hate

Which to create?

Euphoria Vs Depression,

Feeds obsession,

Pacing, pacing, pacing,

Truth is sinking,

Psychotic Vs Antipsychotic,

Thoughts forever chaotic,

Chaos Vs Order,

Sensory processing mental disorder,

Motion Vs Stagnation

This unstable foundation,

Mental Vs Physical,

Theories of existence nothing but quizzical,

Complexity Vs Simplicity,

Ideas and their level of toxicity,

Pacing, pacing, pacing,

Cannot stop this mental deterioration,

Communication Vs Non Communication,

Finding beauty in isolation,

Empathy Vs Indifference,

Solitude and its significance,

IQ Vs EQ,,

Which is the appropriate way to be you?

Learn Vs Unlearn,

Amplified voices concern,

Stability Vs Instability,

Trapped in this mental facility,

Balanced Vs Unbalanced,

Recovery and its ultimate challenge,

Security Vs Insecurity,

The war of life creates the absence of purity,

Pacing, pacing, pacing,

The art of creation,

Reality Vs Imagination,

The aspiration to remain unhurt,

Introvert Vs Extrovert,

Solitude Vs Companionship,

Inspires the drafting of this manuscript,

Pacing, pacing, pacing,

I can’t shut off these mental phenomena,

Relaxation Vs Insomnia,

Sanity Vs Insanity,

Trying to maintain a level of humanity,

Strength Vs Weakness,

Trying to find a way to interpret and read this,

Wisdom Vs Ignorance,

Is there really a significant difference?

Pacing, pacing, pacing,

Past Vs Future,

Cannot be calculated even by the most sophisticated computer,

Pacing, pacing, pacing,

Off into infinity,

Life Vs Death,

And the ability to see things differently.

Tics And Compulsions

Tics and compulsions,

Did I?

No!

Is it?

No!

Off! Off! Off!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

It’s Off! It’s Off!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

What the fuck?! What the fuck!?

Off! Off! Off!

Locked! Locked! Locked! Locked!

Locked it up!

Come on!

What the fuck?!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

It’s off!

Unplugged! No plug! Unplugged!

Off! Off! Off! Off!

Is it on fire?! Is this on fire?!

No!

I’ve got to go!

Come on!

Did I?

Yes!!

Off! Off!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Off!

It’s off!

Off!

It’s off It’s off!

Can I go now!?

Why!? Why?!

It’s closed! It’s fucking closed!

I’ve got to go! I’ve got to go!

Leave! Leave! Leave!!

Ok!

Tics and compulsions,

Why Can’t I Remember Who I Am?

I wake, I think, I move, I live, I feel, I hear, I question why,

Time waits, for no one,

Life’s race,

Not won, not lost

We never truly live through,

Reality is an empty colorless room,

(Sound! Sound! Sound!)

I don’t exist,

An impalpable limitless conscious piece of electricity,

Trapped in the speed of sound, space in time, divisible by one,

No conclusion,

No resolution,

Lifespan, presence is the revolution, of escape,

One emotion to the next,

We never truly feel,

One emotion to the next,

 

Why can’t I remember?

Who I am?

 

Instinctual motion, 

Traveling through time,

Never present in specific moments,

Fragments of feelings, thoughts, never processed,

I hear you, I see nothing, 

I feel you, you fear nothing,

You tell me I am something,

If we are loved, then why are we suffering?

 

Why can’t I remember?

Who I am?

 

Remember… I can’t.

 

Instinctual motion, 

Traveling through time,

Never present in specific moments,

Fragments of feelings, thoughts, never processed,

I hear you, I see nothing, 

I feel you, you fear nothing,

You tell me I am something,

If we are loved, then why are we suffering?

Abusive Relationship

She came into my life when I was incredibly lonely,

She would console me,

Tell me all the things I wanted to hear,

She broke down the barriers of all my personal fears,

Of intimacy,

She was the real,

Deal,

She made me feel,

That she had the true level of legitimacy,

The perfect significant other,

No flaws,

An innocent,

Girlfriend equivalent,

Possessing the morals of my magnificent mother,

She stood by my side,

Supported me when I made a decision,

As I took her along for the ride,

Through the perfect relationship that I envisioned,

She used the word “Love”,

A lot,

Very early on,

She was miles above,

From what I was taught, 

Of what was surely dreamed upon,

She contacted me every few minutes,

Of every day,

She had no limits,

Of personal space,

She hung on my every word,

No matter how absurd,

I couldn’t possibly imagine how she could pay that much attention,

To my random rambling,

Without one mention,

Of my word salad type vocal scrambling,

I just felt so comfortable around her,

I could say anything,

Without being judged,

I was contemplating on buying a wedding ring, 

Because she never held a grudge,

She always confided in me,

And sided with me,

When I would give her advice about her exclusive troubles,

She was the one that finally helped me come out of my shell,

Of my personal living hell,

Of fears and phobias,

The many years gynophobia,

In my reclusive bubble, 

She could do no wrong,

She made me feel like I belonged,

She was perfection,

She had an intense,

Sense,

Of affection,

That she would convey,

Every minute of everyday,

She projected intensity with every emotion,

And the devotion,

That she would display,

Then one day,

We were driving somewhere discussing our plans for the evening with curiosity,

Then at the flip of a switch she became filled with massive animosity,

She screamed at me, 

And my passive generosity,

Seemed to be,

Shocked,

Locked,

Into agree,

With whatever she said,

Because I was frightened,

That this might end,

Badly,

And sadly,

I let myself get stomped on,

In that moment,

For a topic that was insignificant,

In the grand scheme of life, 

That one moment,

Solidified,

My imprisonment,

In the grand dream that this was alright,

Acceptable,

Forgettable,

As an isolated incident,

As time progressed,

Her tantrums became more of a coincidence,

Coinciding with her using sexuality,

And the words “love” and “sorry” as instruments,

To lure me back in as her friend,

To ensure me her attack would never occur again, 

Small increments,

Of time would pass by,

Then the incidents,

Would increase and I,

Would ask why,

I could not figure out the reasons she would say one thing,

And do something else, 

This was becoming detrimental to my health,

I never once raised my voice,

Or uttered a curse,

In retaliation,

Because for the first,

Time in my life,

I truly understood the feeling of being part of the worst,

Type,

Of abusive situation,

Where the person you love the most,

Shits on your dignity,

Self-esteem,

And compassion,

Tearing up your personality,

Your identity,

In such a heinous insensitive fashion, 

Then displaying love a moment later,

As if it never happened,

Never resolving the damage,

The baggage,

That deeply saddened,

And destroyed my sense of self worth,

It was the true birth,

Of the notion,

That I had lost my affectionate emotion,

Towards her,

It had all turned into fear,

My conscience and brain would whisper in my ear,

To leave,

To get away,

My heart would scream,

At my conscience as it would overhear,

And tell me to stay,

I was so conflicted,

I didn’t know who I was anymore,

I didn’t know what to think or how to feel,

All my thoughts were contradicted,

By the parts of my brain and heart that she would steal,

And mind fuck into what she wanted me to believe and conceal,

Conceal the real, 

Facts and reasoning for her actions, 

For her manipulative companionship infractions,

The fact that hurt people,

Hurt people,

And she was so lost and hurt herself,

By things out of my control,

Her individual personal issues,

With her own sense of self,

I truly had my head on straight,

Because I began to see,

That she,

Was not in good mental health, 

It was difficult,

But I couldn’t stay,

I had to walk away, 

Knowing that I did everything in my power,

Down to the final hour,

Of our togetherness,

To save her,

My efforts were measureless,

I know they were,

She needed one final life lesson from me to progress,

And get well, 

To finally put this to rest,

And come out of my mentally manipulative relationship jail cell,

So I,

Looked her straight in the eye,

As she began to cry, 

And stated my entire list of reasons why,

And then said my final goodbye,

In the end,

We both learned and became better individuals,

Knowing not to hurt or be hurt again,

With this newfound set of moral principles.

 

Discord In My Mind

Discord in my mind,

Ultrasonic shrieks of agony,

Assume the form of trilingual word salad,

Evoking paranoia,

 

All focus lost

Into this rapid mind movement,

 

Disconnect!

Shutdown!

Cannot shut off!

My Insomnia

I’m so tired,

So tired,

Tired of my thoughts,

Body tired,

Mind wired,

Won’t shut off,

 

My insomnia...

 

Wake! Sleep! Wake! Sleep!...

I don’t fucking know!

 

Ride the brainwaves....

Got to ride the brainwaves,

 

Waves,

 

My insomnia...

 

Wake! Sleep! Wake! Sleep!...

I don’t fucking know!

Episodes

Marathon mind race,

I’m dying! I’m dying!

Pins and needles,

Epithet, friction, electricity,

Static through my veins,

I’m dying! I’m dying! I’m dying!

I’ve forgotten how to breathe,

Words escape,

Deep focus,

Diligence of body and mind,

Concentrate!

Just tell myself that I’m alive,

Segmented motions,

One is five,

Five is one,

Sensory processing paradox,

Motion picture imagination,

Am I present?

Omnipresent!

I’ve never existed in the first place,

A living breathing organism,

Organized chaos of numerical systems,

Decode and deconstruct,

The universe of mind,

Patterns of trust,

To feel alive,

A sensation of hope defies,

That everyone dies.

 

Vengeance

There’s nowhere to run,

When all is done,

I’ll strengthen the sun,

To dry out your blood,

Refill your mind with a negative emotional flood,

So you can undeniably feel,

The real,

Inner demons you conceal,

Dehydrate your lives,

Like plant life shrivels and dies,

Tear all the scabs,

Deep down inside,

Scar up your life,

Life now denied,

I’m your seed,

I’m all you bleed,

I’m the sun set out to burn you alive,

Dry up your skin,

Worn layers down thin,

Shed off your suit,

And let me come in,

Make you feel real,

Real as your sin,

Then dry out your eyes,

And blind you from time,

The time you lived,

Living your lies,

You’d no longer be on the attack,

Then you’d crack,

Then you’d bleed,

Then you’d see,

Not to betray,

Not to hurt me.