The Journey I Face

I used to hate everything and everybody. I was extremely angry all the time.  I spent so much time and energy hating the things about other people that I couldn’t control. Hating people that I saw doing things that seemed so against my morals and beliefs. I would then start to demonize these people for it. Looking at them as “Pure Evil”  “How could they not have a conscience?”  How could they cheat? How could they lie? How could they intentionally want to hurt me and others around us? I would always ask myself. Then one day… After years of this pent up aggression… a body covered in scars from extreme self- mutilation, and two suicide attempts. I just got so tired. So tired of fighting. Fighting against the world.  Because it wasn’t until that moment, that bittersweet moment of clarity, that I realized, the only person I was truly fighting against was the ugly part of myself. All those things I despised in others, were the negative aspects of my own personality that I was in huge denial about.  I suddenly started realizing all the hurt I caused others around me because I never wanted to help myself.  By that time the majority of my friends had deserted me and my family was just about fed up with me as well. I started to realize how much more energy it takes to hate someone rather than to forgive and want to help them if they are in trouble. I guess the point here is that most of the people that are doing messed up -evil type things to other people are so lost and messed up themselves that they don’t even realize they are doing it. I was one of those people. There are so many people in my life that I wish I had treated differently… they are the same people that have deserted me and do not even want to hear my name come up in casual conversation because it would be like “Ok what did that Crazy f**ing Nut ball do now?!?”. And… there are few people in my life that had actually given me a second chance and stuck around.  And for that I am forever grateful. And I want to thank YOU for giving me a chance and sticking around.  

Just a thought, next time you get mad at somebody for something, before you react, take a step back and know that on both ends it takes way more energy to hate somebody and cut them off, rather than try to understand and relate in some way. After all, we are all human and we all have the same fears and unanswered questions. It takes one second to react in anger. But it may take a lifetime to make up for it.  This is the journey I face.